Wednesday was a terrible day, and I couldn’t face going home, so I stayed at a friends house. Then I stayed again on Thursday, and Friday. Saturday came and my friend had to go to work; she works away and stays there until Wednesday, then comes home. She’s going through a tough time too, and usually comes to mine, but that wasn’t the case this week. I just got some really bad news about someone on Wednesday, and my family are quite insensitive.
On Friday night, my friends little brother was being a bit naughty. He tried to jump over me but jumped on me. It didn’t hurt, but it pushed my emotions sky high and I burst out crying.
I’m still reeling from this bad news. I don’t know how to take it. I know I just have to accept it about my friend but its hard, and I can’t. My thoughts in my head are to ask Steph for my blade back, I have asked her twice, and she just says “I haven’t got time now, we’ll sort it next week” and my little voice is getting angrier each day saying “you’re a wimp! There is a bigger one in that white bag, stop putting it off and use that” I don’t know how long I can fight with that voice. I need to cut! It’s also telling me to end my life, my life is pointless now. There’s no use in even carrying on. It’s as if suicide is a person calling me to him, telling me “it’s good here”. Whilst waiting for counselling the other day, a song came on saying “suicide is painless”.. And my warped mind is telling me that it is a sign. Then whilst at my friends, they watch Sherlock Holmes, and Sherlock committed suicide, and again, that was a sign. My little voice is saying “the world is telling you to go, so go!”
The group I have been attending has been helping me, but now it seems I’ve been pushed back 1000s of steps and I’ve got to struggle through it again. Life is like a game of snakes and ladders… I just keep getting the snakes!