Well, the title says it all; today has been a really bad day.
It started off when I got a call to say Steph was sick and my counselling session had been cancelled and would be rearranged when she got back.
There was so much I had planned on saying, and the last few days whenever I felt like cutting, I would tell myself “You have counselling on Tuesday, it would be good to show Steph you haven’t cut” and that kept me going.
So the morning was spent with “screw this” thoughts and wanting to cut. The urge was huge. I had the images of my blade and scissors and my Nytol sleeping pills all in my head and wouldn’t leave. I was shaking, and my breathing had become fast. I was panicking. I don’t know whether it was because I wasn’t seeing Steph, or fighting the urge to cut, but it was horrible.
I managed to talk through it with a new friend (You know who you are), and distracting myself. The thoughts were still there, but had been pushed back a bit, and I felt calmer.
Then, I had some news. I can’t say what, but again my new friend knows. This news is totally unfair and harsh. Another punishment, something which could also give me a lot of grief later on (months later on). The urge came back, I felt suicidal and this news has left me completely distraught. Still, hours later, I have no idea what I want to do. I want to die, I know that; I don’t want/ shouldn’t have to go through this thing. And I’d rather be dead than face it.
A really bad day to not go counselling!
I also had probation today, went along and she knew something was wring but I couldn’t tell her. Instead we did this activity which was to do a timeline of good and bad moments in my life. She was shocked because from what I said, it was about 80% bad 20% good and she said usually it’s 50/50 or 60/40. It’s also left me reminded how crap my childhood was, my parents were always angry, and I was bullied and a bit of a loner at school.
So, after a crap day, and not feeling better, I’ve cut again.. 😦