I have been mega low for a few days, and suicidal thoughts have been right at the top of my thoughts. Last night, nobody else came into mind, I wanted to die.
I’m not suicidal tonight, not in the way that’s dangerous but I did just start thinking about what if I had done it and died?
To be honest, I don’t think people would care. Maybe for a short while they may, but long term, they wouldn’t care.
Then I thought of my Brother Micheal. He has special needs, something similar to autism called Fragile X – only boys get it. Ya’ll know boys have an XY chromosome, well he has no Y chromosome. His behaviour is really similar to autism anyway.
I think if I had killed myself, he would be upset. He, like my family, is very jokey, but he is also very sensitive. He would probably make jokes without thinking but also become quite upset, and dare I say it, miss me.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, it’s 1.46am, I’m tired, and it’s quite hard to explain to someone how my brother would react to someone who doesn’t know him.
Anyway, I have my thing to live for when I’m feeling low. I couldn’t caste about anything else people could say to stop me, but I think if I were to think of Micheal, I would think twice about attempting to kill myself.
I’m going to try and sleep now. I doubt I will get any more than a couple hours but I’ve gotta try.