What would it be like if I died?

I have been mega low for a few days, and suicidal thoughts have been right at the top of my thoughts. Last night, nobody else came into mind, I wanted to die.

I’m not suicidal tonight, not in the way that’s dangerous but I did just start thinking about what if I had done it and died?

To be honest, I don’t think people would care. Maybe for a short while they may, but long term, they wouldn’t care.
Then I thought of my Brother Micheal. He has special needs, something similar to autism called Fragile X – only boys get it. Ya’ll know boys have an XY chromosome, well he has no Y chromosome. His behaviour is really similar to autism anyway.

I think if I had killed myself, he would be upset. He, like my family, is very jokey, but he is also very sensitive. He would probably make jokes without thinking but also become quite upset, and dare I say it, miss me.
I don’t know if I’m making any sense, it’s 1.46am, I’m tired, and it’s quite hard to explain to someone how my brother would react to someone who doesn’t know him.

Anyway, I have my thing to live for when I’m feeling low. I couldn’t caste about anything else people could say to stop me, but I think if I were to think of Micheal, I would think twice about attempting to kill myself.

I’m going to try and sleep now. I doubt I will get any more than a couple hours but I’ve gotta try.



6 thoughts on “What would it be like if I died?

  1. I would care. Please don’t hurt yourself. I am sorry things suck right now, I am here, watching, and praying for you. You matter, to me. I wish I could take all the pain away. I have cut myself in the past, but not today. I didn’t want to die, I just didn’t know how to live.
    (((Hugs))), Diana

  2. If you left I would be so upset!! Who am I going to email and joke with……who am I going to share the things that happen to me good or bad??? I would care and it seems lots of others on here would care as well.
    Remember my saying on my blog…..I said it on two different posts: I’m not scared to die…..I’m scared to live
    Well, that is me too…..but what do we keep telling each other…..we are going to beat this…..it’s going to take time….lots of it….but in the end we will be better people for it.
    I just cut myself yet again yesterday…..I messed up terribly and texted her……I was doing so well…….then I go and do that…….what I’m saying is we will both have the ups and downs……lets just hold hands through the downs so we don’t sink!!!
    And again……don’t make me come to the UK to kick you butt……lol!!!

  3. I stumbled upon your page because you mentioned fragile X. My son has it too. So does my daughter. Yeah girls get it too. I’ve been super depressed like this before. It super sucks!! I hope in some way you can find someone to talk to. Though the only thing that helped me to curb the cutting was antidepressants and I’m not sure if you have that option. I hope you feel much better today.

    • Oh, I’m not really up with facts, my Mum told us it was only boys that get it, but thanks for letting me know.
      Its been suggested I take anti depressants, but I dont want to become zombie-fied on them, I’m hoping to get a job at the moment and I won’t be able to work on tablets

      • Its all good. Most people don’t really know how fragile x works :). I hope at some point you do consider meds. I always start at the lowest possible dose and work from there so I don’t feel zombiefied. I hate that feeling too!
        Good luck on the job.

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