I am feeling emotional, so I’m blogging this. If you haven’t read my last blog, this may not make any sense.
Regret is huge. I totally regret what I did and I wish I hadn’t have done it.
I had a great friendship with C, she was like my Mum. I know it was based on a lie, but I wish she could know what life is like for me at home. Maybe then she would understand why I did what I did. From knowing about her childhood, I know or at least hope she would be more understanding. I don’t want her forgiveness, and although I am sorry, only i can truly know how sorry i am. Sorry doesn’t forgive what i did, it’s an over used word that you have got to feel. But i generally, deep down am sorry.
Hurting someone isn’t in my nature, and when i found out how hurt she was, i felt like someone had pushed me off a cliff.
Talking to C was great. Arguments with my dad, feeling lonely, wanting to harm, all of that disappeared. Now i have nothing. It wasn’t just the talking, it was the friendship, it was being crying down the phone and her telling me to pretend she was here hugging me.
I miss all of that. I have none of that now. I wish she could know how much I’m hurting myself, maybe that would make it all better?
I want to be on the phone with her, and hear her voice.
The nights my Dad is angry, and I’m scared, i want to be able to imagine I’m in bed holding her hand.
And now, that I’m crying, i want her to say “it’s ok. Just let it go”
I messed up big time.