Just a rant- from my last post

I am feeling emotional, so I’m blogging this. If you haven’t read my last blog, this may not make any sense.

Regret is huge. I totally regret what I did and I wish I hadn’t have done it.

I had a great friendship with C, she was like my Mum. I know it was based on a lie, but I wish she could know what life is like for me at home. Maybe then she would understand why I did what I did. From knowing about her childhood, I know or at least hope she would be more understanding. I don’t want her forgiveness, and although I am sorry, only i can truly know how sorry i am. Sorry doesn’t forgive what i did, it’s an over used word that you have got to feel. But i generally, deep down am sorry.

Hurting someone isn’t in my nature, and when i found out how hurt she was, i felt like someone had pushed me off a cliff.

Talking to C was great. Arguments with my dad, feeling lonely, wanting to harm, all of that disappeared. Now i have nothing. It wasn’t just the talking, it was the friendship, it was being crying down the phone and her telling me to pretend she was here hugging me.

I miss all of that. I have none of that now. I wish she could know how much I’m hurting myself, maybe that would make it all better?
I want to be on the phone with her, and hear her voice.

The nights my Dad is angry, and I’m scared, i want to be able to imagine I’m in bed holding her hand.

And now, that I’m crying, i want her to say “it’s ok. Just let it go”
I messed up big time.

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2 thoughts on “Just a rant- from my last post

  1. I’ve been away from the blogsphere for a few days, so not entirely sure what’s going on. but saying “I’m sorry” is one of the easiest things you can do when you mess up. If you know in your heart that you are sorry, then apologize to her. šŸ˜‰
    chin up, kiddo! šŸ™‚

  2. Hey there…….what I’ve learned out of all this…….you can only apologize so many times…..and it’s up to the other person to reciprocate that apology…….that is my problem too……guilt is kicking my ass…..I can’t get over it…..and I didn’t even do anything wrong…..but in Jades eyes I caused all this…..still even then I’ve apologized until I was blue in the face…..no more…..I’m going to forgive myself and get better…..it’s going to take a long time……but YOU AND I WILL BEAT THIS!!
    Tomorrow after my group therapy I’m going to email you the whole story so you understand.
    Be safe. And if this helps at all……I’m hugging you right now! šŸ™‚

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