More tough times

So, I had some news on Thursday 7th March, and I felt good about it. It meant things could possibly get back to normal soon. One downside, there’s a possibility I’d have to wait until the end of may. But I was feeling quite positive that I won’t.

Friday morning, I woke up feeling totally the opposite. I thought about possibly having to wait until the end of may to get my life back, and also the possibility that it may not work out in my favour. I got so down and these thoughts and started thinking about suicide.

Being down, I decided to get up and watch some telly. I was watching it, but not taking any of it in. I couldn’t concentrate through the sheer fact I had thoughts of how I would kill myself. So, I decided to take a walk.

About 20 minutes from me, there is a walkway (by town centre). That walk way also holds some marshes and it is part of the national trust (UK). Half way down is a graveyard, where my great nan is buried. And that is where I decided to walk to.

Upon walking, I found being in the peaceful quiet was much worse. It gave me more time to think about things. I got rather upset, and more suicidal so I headed towards the national park bit instead.

I found a bench and sat there. I had blades in my bag, and I was going to use them. I took them out and questioned whether I would text anybody or just do it. I went through my contacts and stopped at ‘counselling’. Then I started thinking about a friend, how much killing myself would hurt her. I rang counselling, hoping my counsellor would be free but she wasn’t. Whatever strength I had left emotionally made me pack my blades away and go home. 2 minutes into walking back, my counsellor rang back and after some talking, we decided I would go and see her, she had a spare 30 minutes.

When I got there, I just cried a little bit, although I stopped myself, and after a much needed cuddle we spoke.
Then at the end, I gave her my blades.

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