I know I have said that I would be writing the most recent part of my life in my ‘next’ blog, but I haven’t built up the courage to write it yet as I am deeply ashamed with what I have done and what is going on. I can only imagine receiving negative comments, which although I will deserve, I don’t want to face.
So here is a blog about how I’m feeling lately. I will try and make is so that it’s understandable, but also some you might not understand my reasons as you don’t know what has been going on right now.
So, I am feeling down, wanting to cut a lot of the time. Each day seems to get harder and harder to cope. I can’t wait until I start weekly counselling which is 1 week and 4 days away. I hope I can just hang on to that, knowing I will get help soon.
But because of what has been happening, I find myself unable to relax, I can’t sleep well, and when I do, I have dreams that make me feel a bit panicky, and everytime there’s a knock on the door, my heart stops until I know who is actually at the door.
Living so scared is horrible, and is upsetting. I put Someone through that, not intentionally, but I did… And now I am feeling how she did for months. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am.
On top of the fear, the panic, I am feeling like my like is falling apart. I know its my fault and all mistakes have consequences, but in my honest opinion, these consequences are by far, much bigger than what it is I have actually done.
I have no idea what to expect in my life now. And not knowing, and doubting any good luck I want to die.
I know there will be people out there saying I am only writing this for attention but that’s wrong. I am the last person on this planet that would want anyone fussing over me. I am writing this/ all my blogs so that hopefully, there will be a last blog speaking about how great life is, and to give others that push to get through life.
But actually saying ‘how great life is’ I’m even doubting that myselfmyintwresting a bit of hope,